


incredibly modern take on attack on titan its almost painful

by bruhlmao (Benadrylcucumberpatch)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Armin is Bi, Drug Use, Gay Eren Yeager, basically just the yeagers being a crackhead family, but they get a nice relationship which they deserve, eren and zeke are Crack Brothers, jean is also bi, levi is just confused, okay this is really chaotic, zeke is a chad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-04
Updated: 2020-01-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:22:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22120246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Benadrylcucumberpatch/pseuds/bruhlmao
Summary: this is literally just an intensely planned shitpostbasically it's just the adventures of Eren and Zeke when they both have friends sleep over one night
Comments: 3
Kudos: 18





	incredibly modern take on attack on titan its almost painful

**Author's Note:**

> I'm assuming I should explain how their family works and everything so  
> Eren, Jean, and Armin are all 16 and juniors in high school  
> Mikasa is 17(also a junior) and was adopted by the Yeagers when she was 11  
> Zeke is 18 and a senior in high school  
> Family background: Grisha lived in Germany and was first married to Dina and they had Zeke, but she died unexpectedly when Zeke was 2 and Grisha was only 27. A year later, he met Carla, who was a new nurse to the hospital he worked at (he is a doctor) and she was 23, having moved fairly recently from Turkey. They dated and it was pretty serious, but she ended up getting pregnant, so they decided to go ahead and get married, having Eren a few months later.  
> Nine years later, they moved to the United States because Grisha got a job offer from UCLA, and they adopted Mikasa a year later.  
> yes that does make eren the baby of the family and yes he is the softest boy i know what about it

"I'm home." Eren called, walking in the door from school and dropping his backpack on the floor.

"I'm in the kitchen." Carla said, smiling at her son when he walked in. "How was school, sweetheart?"

Eren shrugged, "It was fine." He was quiet for a moment before asking,"What are you doing?"

"Just making a cup of tea." She said, putting a tea bag in the water filled cup in front of her. "Do you want one?"

"No, I'm okay..." Eren said. "Would it be okay if some friends spent the night?

"Sure." Carla said, "Who?"

"Just Armin and Jean."

"Oh, that sounds nice." Carla said, "Sure, tell them to come over anytime."

"Okay, thank you..." Eren said, smiling at his mother a little, but looking behind him when he heard the door open and Zeke say, "I'm home."

"We're in the kitchen." Carla and Eren said in unison, Eren standing there for a moment silently, then remembering what he had wanted to do and going over to the pantry and getting out a box of Cheez-Its.

"Hi, sweetheart, how was school?" Carla asked as soon as Zeke walked into the kitchen, giving him a warm smile.

"It was fine." Zeke said, smiling at her in return and walking over to Eren for the Cheez-It box, but Eren pulled it away from him. Even though his mouth was full, it was still very clear when he said, "Your hands are so fucking dirty, do not put them in this box."

"My hands are _not-_ " 

"They literally have dirt on them right now." Eren said, swallowing.

Zeke looked down at his hands. He was actually kind of surprised to find a black streak across the back of his right hand, probably that oil(?) that's on car doors that you sometimes touch when you get in an out of cars. "Oh. Then just put a few in my mouth."

This of course is the next logical step, not washing his hands at the sink that's seven feet away max.

"Lean down." Eren said, knowing that being 5'9 he could reach his 6'4 brother's mouth if he wanted to, but would rather see him crouch like Danny Devito.

Zeke bent himself over so he was a little shorter than Eren, and hummed when crackers were shoved in his mouth.

"Zeke, are Levi and Erwin still spending the night tonight?" Carla asked, almost completely ignoring everything else happening right now.

"Yeah." Zeke said, though very muffled.

"It'll be like a little party tonight." Carla said, smiling. "Eren is having Armin and Jean over."

Zeke breathed in to say something but forgot his mouth was full of cheese cracker and started coughing, Eren laughing a little, but then lightly patting Zeke's back when he didn't stop.

He eventually stopped coughing and just dryly said, "Cool."

Eren just put the Cheez-Its up after that and went upstairs into the den, finding their family pet, Dell, a brown and black striped maine coon. He scooped him up off the couch and then laid down on it, putting the cat on his chest and laughing softly when he meowed at him. Dell wasn't too chunky (yet) so it was comfortable enough to have him just lay there and paw at the strings on Eren's hoodie.

When, Zeke came upstairs, though, he was quiet enough that neither Eren nor Dell heard him, so when he crept up behind the couch and yelled, it startled both of them, Eren flinching and Dell using his chest as a launch pad to run away.

"This is why he doesn't like you." Eren said, kind of whining and covering his face with his hands, knowing that scaring him (and Dell) was one of Zeke's favorite hobbies.

"Oh, he loves me." Zeke said, starting to approach the cat that was now on a different chair and watching him intently, but he stopped when Dell hissed at him.

"You're so right Zeke, I'll just call you brother nature from now on. Steve Irwin, if I may, may he rest in peace."

Eren was still covering his face so Zeke saw this as the perfect opportunity to throw a pillow from the couch at him, hard enough for it to sting.

"Zeke, I swear to god," Eren said, uncovering his face and looking at his brother, "I will murder you."

"Nah," He just threw another pillow, hitting Eren in the face this time. He laughed when Eren yelled at him, but was entirely unprepared when Eren threw the television remote, something very hard and very solid, directly at his crotch.

Zeke didn't say anything, but this did bring him to his knees, cupping his dick and balls with one hand. "Eren- you- _my dick_ -"

"What?" Eren asked, sitting up and laughing a little.

"You hit me _in the dick_."

Eren started full on laughing now, almost wheezing and falling off the couch onto his hands and knees. He couldn't even talk, he was laughing so hard. The thought of how hard and how precisely he had to throw that remote, which wasn't that big, for it to hit Zeke directly in the dick made him hysterical, it had to be a sign from the universe.

"Oh my fucking _god_..." Eren wheezed, laying down now and rolling onto his back so that he could breathe since his chest was heaving. He was quiet for a little while, regaining his composure until Zeke said, "This isn't funny, what if you just sterilized me." and Eren lost it all over again, laughing so hard he was basically choking.

Zeke sighed and stood up now that the pain had mostly faded and went into his room to leave Eren to convulse on the ground by himself.

When Eren composed himself for the second time and calmed down, he just laid on the ground for a little while before remembering he needed to tell Armin and Jean that they could come over. He took out his phone and sent their groupchat a text that they could come over. After he saw it sent, he got up and went into his own room, kicking his shoes off and laying down on his bed to start watching youtube videos until his friends arrived


End file.
